Grown up

There exist several reason why I write stuff in english despite of my nasty grammar. 

1. It has different flavor. There are peculiar expression that cannot be delivered with bahasa, nor I am articulated enough to say it properly. 

2. Sense of safety. Less people read it (might be my beloved ex (if she still alive (if does, God bless her soul (if God does (1) exist, and (2) give blessings)))).

3. I’ve been successfully being cognitively colonialized.

There are no justifiable reason for writing this post in 2.13 of monday morning. Only reason I have because I don’t feel like growing up. Before this, occupied with survival instinct to avoid being killed by hunger, I did not think much. Concept of maturation began to bug me only lately.

Selamat!

Untuk yang kemarin berulang tahun, selamat! Terima umur dan semoga panjang nafas. 

Teman saya ulang tahun. Saya hanya ingat kisaran minggu keempat di bulan Juni, tapi tanggalnya diberitakan oleh Facebook. 

Waktu pertama bertemu orang ini, saya sempat berfikir, "mukanya mirip banget sama Sardono." Ternyata doi memang masih ada hubungan darah. Orang ini kocak, walaupun cenderung jaim untuk menggantikan Dono. Apalagi selera humornya terlalu gelap di banyak kesempatan (berapa banyak sih, orang yang menangkap guyonan Monty Python dan Adult Swim?). Hebatnya, terlepas dari kecanggungan lawakannya dia masih mampu gonta-ganti pacar, walaupun move on nya lama bukan main. 

Cintah

Sekali-kali mbok nulis yang nyambung.

Anggapan saya tentang kata ini berubah dari waktu ke waktu. Dulu saya menganalogikan hal tersebut sebagai taruhan. Bermain hati seperti berjudi, dan jika beruntung ada tangan yang digenggam sebagai bentuk kemenangan, yang kalah makan ati berkuah air mata. Namun, sejatinya bermain asmara lebih cocok untuk dilihat sebagai perjudian di Las Vegas, bukan togel di kampung-kampung. The House always win.

Eggs

A french artist tried to hatch group of egg by sitting on them for 21-26 days.
It is reported that he only goes 30 minutes a day for meals or lavatory needs.
He had prepared his condition by living inside a rock for a week before.

My face when I reconsider my act.

On waiting

Some person picked up a pencil and done an astonishing drawings, some creates stanza out of thin air, while some used it to pierce another person's heart, literally. The differences are clear, that pencil, as much as other tool, is a transitional device for each thought. 

I am certain that I've wronged book's function most of the time. 

I've been a librarian for few months. Sometimes its puzzling, challenging, another time I'm bored to death and ended up pumping dopamine from youtube channels. In this moment, if "I" was a protagonist of a novel, this would be an end of status quo, thus revoking the circle of new quest. 

Of course, life isn't relied on any textbook.  

As I learned here, -if i really learned something, that I got tired of my old habit. 4 months ago, whenever faced by personal decision, ranged from finalizing a design, to even completing a simple paragraph, I would hesitate until someone showed me the process. My year of isolation has brought me bitter conviction about the world, that nothing particular should worthy of my interest.

Life's only a waiting of ensured death. Best to sit tight and having small talk before it comes. I felt satisfied with big picture, that my existence is a mere coincidence. Nothing worth being pursued. I started to believe that Godot is conception of death, unlike popular opinion of God or faithful entity. The second they met Godot, they would have ceased to be existed. 

It took me for a while that one thing gotten solid isn't that belief, its the cognitive habit. My habitual recess for example, is a residue of my routine "enjoying" state of waiting. Its printed on my pattern that waiting have its own intrinsic value. It's obscene, it has quality of freedom. Its excitement lies between the second of decision from being made. The only obvious idea is, that you have deliberate choice to valid or void your present doing. 

I believe at the time I'd like to push my luck and pissed off people as form of cynical belief. Plus the delusion, oh boy, no one is smarter than the one who knows he had power to choose. 

Like I said, I'm fed up. Apparently, afternoon existential crisis with subtle arrogance on the side are not healthy. 

I always scratching my head in confusion when I see this flip of perspective. It doesn't hard nor hurt to see outside the simulacra, but it much more easier to cave in like yesterday. Shadow on the cave are easier to perceive than the real tree, yet I have to beware to not flying too close to the sun, or I'll drown like a son of cunning craftsman.

As I moved forwards, I learned one of two (practical) things. 

Guilt is useless. Sin is only exist within guilt, ask Hamlet. The worst form sin is to be unfair to oneself, including self harm, be it mentally or physically. By stoicism, it is sin to be dysfunctional human being in relation to natural reason. Second, kindly stop trying to control everything. In more pragmatic words, stop caring at the moment if it would drain your mental stamina. There are so much to decide in a day, and few cigar in a day started to feel unworthy. 

By negating guilt, one's started to develop grit. Which is good, it made me started to like myself. People seems to looked better, without usual plastic humanism. Each person I know are on their own journey, and I bid good luck for them. I can now sincerely appreciates their struggle, for I have now reflecting on my own.

So about tools, I have been used book to justified my belief and overlooked some of its real value. The book has been my sidekick on waiting, my excuse, and poetic symbol of empty gaze after horizon. I have no more to extract from waiting, except that I was damaged from it and I have less knowledge than I thought I had. Yes, it's an example of useless guilt to bear right now. 

Tomorrow isn't any brighter than yesterday, except that there always something surprising in a day if I stick long enough in that small library. A serendipity between those shelves. 

At this moment I usually promised myself this or that. Such renewal vow after a relished confession, was ordinary pattern. I prefer stealing last line of American Psycho script.

My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself, no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.

Yes, its a poor cockblocking choice of statement, and using a fragment out of its context are not clever. But nothing comes to my mind right now. I just felt that writing on this blog is one way to be less-unfair to myself.

Arrival (2016)

Full spoiler ahead.

Sci-fi have long history since (arguably) the epic saga of Gilgamesh, but by general consensus, it became popular due positivism spirit around 1800. Industrial revolution has brought us to another level of material manipulation, so to speak age of enlightenment has decorated humanity with glamorous futuristic possibilities. By this, early science fiction generally talks about machine [tools] and adventures [exploration] that depicted (notably) by Vernes's and Well's. It had particular amount of philosophical questions, but still focused on exploration that rooted on human curiosity about unknown universe. Recently, humanistic issue and nature of human thoughts has became more central in sci-fi theme.

From the creator of Enemy (2013) and Sicario (2015), Denis Villeneuve has been acknowledged for his artistic suspense and twisting narrative form. Both of his notable film has made its own name and portrayed his authenticity. It's somewhat refreshing to see popular movie that works as puzzle since Nolan's, with unbearable tension that resembles hitchcock's. Now, Arrival (2016) took place in sci-fi universe, which have its own risk of being pretentious and decorated by deus ex machina complexes.

The first hour was terrific. Louise and Ian (the best aryan linguist and astrophysic) were brought to alien spaceship that shaped like splinted coffee bean. Gravitational anomaly had made epic entrance from the start. Approaching the room, where the dialogue take place, is a reminder of Stalker sacred room where everything could happen. The barrier is a nice touch of separation, which work as mistery glass to keep audience at the edge of seat.

The process of dialogue also impressive. Alien and human exchanges language through combination of textual and gesture approach. Louise attempt to translates them also interesting, It’s satisfying to find another form of linguistic method.

As the film goes on, we are being haunted by fragmented memories of a kid. Some sly audience, whom familiar with this type of movie, or having known enemy, must by now aware of this Chekhov gun's technique. This is the axis, this will be back and completes the movie altogether. 

I almost hope that it isn’t true, but it happened.  

At first, we would consider that this fragment’s portrayed louise past. But, memento has teaches us that it's a mere trap (At this point, i would argue that watching movie with assumption is a banal move). 

Villeneuve's most interesting arsenal is using memory in perpetual motion. Like memento, we've first learned the story of kid in linear. The kid grown, then died by cancer. Then, on second layer we understand louise relationship with the husband (whom I thought was Gavin because of hint of divorce). It was repeated until I questioning myself, what’s its significance? 

At the point of synthesis (where louise handshaking the alien), it hits me that it’s not the past. Its hinted from Louise expression that isn’t a relief, plus her question about the identity of the kid. 

So it goes, said the tralfamadore. 
One of the best sentence I’ve ever came across in a literature.

For whom had watched, or better yet, read The slaughterhouse V, Arrival manifest the same idea. One of many thing that I respected from Vonnegut, is how he brought philosophical discourse of hegelian dialectic and Camus absurdism in a form of satirical science-fiction. 

Science fiction itself for me is a hard genre. Plotted wrong, you end up with robotic fables. A good science-fiction bear to questioning futuristic possibilities and spoke brave questions about moral architecture that one cannot endure to even imagine in planetary scale. Vonnegut told them with a poker face and cigarettes on one hand. 

Tralfamadore, is an alien species that created by Vonnegut, which perceive time differently from us. They see times as movement which enable them to grasp future and past objectively. What matter to Tralfamadore, is to sustain life of its own species without any unnecessary intervention. Individual choice or free will, being counted as unnecessary act. They are, in harsh word, are pure deterministic beings. 

Too bad that the movie tend to end in hurry. As the answer unfolding, we already know where it would go. Early problem regarding chaos, was solved with simplistic solution; collective cooperation, which had subgoal to portrait how barbaric and intolerant some country is. The rest of scene became flat, might as well as how Tralfamadore perceive life. 

A good puzzle movie tend to appear as modular object, where we could re-questioning the meaning and its part in detail. A colossal puzzle for me was primer, a huge superimposed timelines where you need to assemble multiple layers from a movie that only have 1 hour playtime. Arrival was a good puzzle, but not a great one. It has one answer, and being told plainly in the end. In a little cinema with few number of people watching with me, nobody clapping nor having question. The secret have been told, thus the value had been lost. 

On behalf of the Assholes

Some people, whose less capable of doing anything more than marching, desperately trying to preserve their way of life on 4th november. The problem is, this "some people" consist more than hundred thousands of people. Which is makes it kinda big deal and shed an ilussion of truth. One intersting definition of a cult is, a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing. Which is suprisingly fit this situation. 

For some reason, a high profile governor candidate was tongue-slipped because his daring personality. Before you can say hocus pocus, a league of narrow minded people was offended. Like victorian revolution, flyers was distributed. Many people agreed that this infidel, need to be punish. And how humble they are, just to file a lawsuit on him in rather than public beheading. 

A simple apology was not enough. 

Clearly, this became an opportunity for some figure in political domain. Second and most important, this is a perfect sample of ad hominem argument. 

It is chaotic, albeit the mass was titled peace marching. Many people became confused, felt the need to place themself on certain side. Involved person is currently under arrest for unsophisticated mistake. Most mass participant, is now probably, believe that they have this unearned power over rules, that most likely can be applied again in near future depending on how court result turn out soon.

On surface, their focal point is to sustain sacred value of Quran, for a stain in the name of God means their cage being rattled. It is understandable, yet being done in corny expression. One person that I used to admire, write an article about right of marching, that we are more civilized than ever and right to express opinion is now more accessible. Yet, he lay aside later impact that follows: 1. Encourage "faith before law" perspective and 2. warming same hate engines. Which is not worthy enough if you asked me. 

Faith before law or hjacked democracy, was an subtle arsenal that runs the engine of 65 genocide. Likewise on 98, and numbers of minor event that follows. I do not need to explain more. 

On race hate, try to look on personal reaction. My friend is a Tionghoan, she was angry and scared, fortunately not to the level of being militant. But still, everything in big scale such as this mass, always able to shake your view about something, be it temproary or permanent. 

Tionghoan were reside around for about 500 years, make profit from their diplomatic skill with colonist (Onghokham; 1991). Yet, their success was seen as threat that still burning through for generation, like a jelousy of older brother. Little we know, Chinese people has its share of suffering history. On old west (circa 1860), they were used as labour with minimum wage. Many died as slave, they were inferior race. Yet, our (most natives) insecure thoughts saw them as marginal race that acceptable to be called cina rather than our shared brother.

I do not give a fuck of how opportunist they might be, I condem situation where people hate others because they cannot accomplish similar achievement.

Kyai Hj. Abdularham Wahid, the 4th Presiden of Indonesia, write a book about God, that Its power does not need to be defended. God itself is supreme entity by essence. To defend God, is now depend on how crucial the opposite threat is, which is simply hegemony discourse where we actually never lost our individual position. Later on 1993, A novel was written by Danarto with title Asmaraloka, consist of same theme. But unfortunatelly, book was not enough. Apparently, blood or a martyr must be sacrificed while we deny to see true problem, that this is not that crucial. 

How is this not crucial? Back to my early statement, this is mere ad hominem case. We simply overlook many religious-mocking related cases that being done by several figure. Especially inside Islam community itself, for example. 

In comparation with brexit or USA election, this probably seen as ridiculous spectacle. But the motive is just the same, people are hard to share and tolerate. Today awarness probably raised, less people give a damn about impractical form of protest. But history proved that existence of assholes is being needed, as a reminder that human always in catharsis. 

Vonnegut: Satire dan Arsitektur dalam Fiksi Ilmiah

dimuat di ultrastardust

            Kurt Vonnegut Jr. adalah seorang penulis Amerika yang berkutat pada aliran fiksi sains karena suatu ketidaksengajaan. Konon, ia menyadari bahwa dirinya menulis fiksi sains setelah mendapat kritik sebagai penulis yang menjanjikan dalam aliran itu. Alasan kedua, ia menggunakan aliran itu untuk “menyulap” suatu cerita tanpa perlu penjelasan yang presisi dengan tetap mempertahankan sifat masuk akalnya. Setelah menjadi saksi mata dari blunder terbesar tentara sekutu pada pengeboman Dresden 1943, Ia mulai menggunakan kacamata satire sebagai mekanisme pertahanan diri terhadap trauma. Belakangan, yang bersangkutan dianggap sebagai bapak humanisme Amerika dan memperjuangkan nilai-nilai tersebut dalam bentuk komedi satire.

            Karya besar Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse V; or Children of Crusade (1960), dikenal sebagai tulisan cult. Nama Vonnegut sebagai penulis luar dikenal di Indonesia melalui novelTimequake (1997) yang diterjemahkan oleh T. Hermaya dan diterbitkan tahun 2001. Memang dalam nilai relevansi, Vonnegut tidak menawarkan banyak selain satire nasionalis Amerika dan slogan anti-perang yang sebenarnya berakar dari pengalaman pribadi penulis. Ditambah pilihannya untuk menggunakan tema fiksi-ilmiah semakin sukar untuk diterima, apalagi di negeri yang tengah merayakan nostalgia etnosentris, agama, dan gender. Di Indonesia sendiri ada nama Joko Lelono sebagai penulis yang menggunakan genre fiksi ilmiah. Fiksi ilmiah, pada tempat dimana realisme berinteraksi dengan spekulasi, jarang menawarkan banyak nilai dan berkesempatan untuk dibaca di Indonesia. 

            Timequake atau Gempa Waktu merupakan kumpulan opini yang dirangkum dalam narasi fiksi-ilmiah. Secara ringkas, novel itu bercerita tentang gangguan kosmik yang menyebabkan semua orang harus mengulangi satu dekade antara 1991-2001 dalam kendali otomatis. Menariknya, novel ini tidak berusaha menjawab hakikat kehendak bebas, melainkan membangun pertanyaan akan hal itu. Jika kehendak bebas memang ada, sudahkah kita menggunakan itu sebaik-baiknya? Ada dua kesulitan mengapa Gempa Waktu kurang menggairahkan. Pertama, novel ini bukan perkenalan yang baik dengan Vonnegut, karena ia lebih bekerja sebagai autobiografi kreatif daripada sebuah narasi yang utuh. Kedua, dan yang cukup penting, kesulitan translasi mengurangi kualitas humor yang dipaparkan oleh Vonnegut.

           Satire dalam hemat penulis, adalah cara untuk memperlihatkan kebobrokan suatu sistem melalui humor dan parodi bermuatan ironi. Alih-alih melihat ironi sebagai suatu humor, seringkali menampak sebagai suatu tragedi yang tidak patut ditertawakan. Humor satire Vonnegut biasanya dapat dilihat dari keterlibatan suatu karakter khusus yang menjadi moral kompas dalam novelnya. Bokoonon dalam Cat's Cradle dan Trout Killgore dalam Timequake adalah dua pesimistik yang melihat dunia dengan cara pragmatis daripada heroik. Tragedi bukan suatu hal yang menyedihkan, ia terjadi -sebagaimana menurut dialektika Hegel, sebagai proses alami menuju pendewasaan umat manusia, dan selayaknya, mereka yang memahami hal itu bersyukur telah hidup dan berpartisipasi dalam perayaan tersebut.

           Fiksi ilmiah yang merupakan panggung modular untuk merangkai narasi sangat memberi peluang dalam penyampaian suatu gagasan ruang dan kebudayaan. Novel George Orwell 1984yang berbicara tentang dystopia, membuka cerita dengan penggambaran dunia pasca-perang di mana semua orang tunduk pada rezim totaliter. Di sana hadir kajian tentang efek panopticon, paranoia, dan pertanyaan mendasar tentang ruang privat dan publik. Karya lain yang memiliki nafas sama, yakni novel berjudul Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep karya Philip K. Dick yang diadaptasi ke dalam bentuk film dengan judul The Blade Runner berusaha memvisualisasikan futurisme. Latar dalam cerita yakni kota Los Angeles yang dibuat futuristik merupakan bentuk kongkrit implikasi gagasan arsitektur dalam sebuah karya literatur.

           Agak sulit untuk langsung menemukan gagasan arsitektur dalam karya Vonnegut. Meski begitu, nilai dalam cerita-cerita Vonnegut tidak menghilangkan perbedaan kualitas ruang dan pengaruhnya terhadap manusia. Sebagai contoh Cat's Cradle yang membawa isu antropologi berusaha menyimak suatu lokasi bernama Galapagos dan kebudayaannya. Perbedaan lokasi menyebabkan perbedaan pola pikir yang kemudian berbuntut pada proses dialog yang lucu. Usaha adaptasi protagonis  di dunia primitif, diangkat sebagai humor gelap yang masih relevan dewasa ini.

           Karya Vonnegut yang lain yang berjudul Siren of Titans menceritakan hubungan antara Bumi, Mars, dan Uranus. Pada bentuknya sudah terlihat peran dimensi ruang dalam karya ini. Sayangnya, karyanya ini kurang populer karena bobot fiksi ilmiahnya lebih terasa daripada tema moral. Ceritanya sederhana: Alkisah ada seorang manusia yang terjepit gangguan kosmik, sehingga ia harus berpindah antara Bumi dan Uranus setiap 6 bulan sekali. Setelah mengerutkan kening, kita dikenalkan dengan tokoh robot-alien Salo, yang memiliki cara persepsi yang menarik tentang ruang dan waktu. Kelanjutan cerita berputar antara perang peradaban Bumi dan Mars. Alur cerita seakan jungkir-balik dan ngawur, namun tetap menyenangkan.

           Implikasi arsitektur sebagai ekspresi kebudayaan yang memperlihatkan jejak atau alter-ego dari umat manusia, bukan suatu hal yang seutuhnya mulia. Setidaknya kaitan antara nilai arsitktur dan fiksi ilmiah Vonnegut sedikit-sedikit kita dapati dari karyanya yang kurang populer ini. Di novel ini, peradaban manusia tidak lain merupakan suatu proses terkontrol, -yang sialnya, hanya merupakan alat komunikasi satu arah bagi Salo untuk berbincang dengan planet asalnya. 

It was through this viewer that he got his first reply from Tralfamadore. The reply was written on Earth in huge stones on a plain in what is now England. The ruins of the reply still stand, and are known as Stonehenge. The meaning of Stonehenge in Tralfamadorian, when viewed from above, is: "Replacement part being rushed with all possible speed."

Stonehenge wasn't the only message old Salo had received. There had been four others, all of them written on Earth.

The Great Wall of China means in Tralfamadorian, when viewed from above: "Be patient. We haven't forgotten about you."

The Golden House of the Roman Emperor Nero meant: "We are doing the best we can."

The meaning of the Moscow Kremlin when it was first walled was: "You will be on your way before you know it."

The meaning of the Palace of the League of Nations in Geneva, Switzerland, is: "Pack up your things and be ready to leave on short notice."

                                                                                                                              -Siren of Titans, pg.196

           Satire dengan skala semesta ini, mengalahkan The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand, 1943) yang memandang suatu gerakan arsitektur sebagai isu yang sakral. Bagi Vonnegut sendiri, pergerakan kebudayaan (secara menyeluruh) bukan hal yang harus disikapi dengan mengorbankan darah dan air mata.

"Perhaps, now that the part has been delivered to the Tralfamadorian messenger, Tralfamadore will leave the Solar System alone. Perhaps Earthlings will now be free to develop and follow their own inclinations, as they have not been free to do for thousands of years." He sneezed.

"The wonder is that Earthlings have been able to make as much sense as they have," he said.

-Siren of Titans, pg.216

           Arsitektur dianggap mengalami penurunan nilai akibat teknologi melalui salah satu pasal diTimequake. Di situ ia menceritakan seorang arsitek yang bunuh diri setelah mengetahui sebuah program bernama Palladio yang mampu merancang secara otomatis, bahkan dengan penawaran berbagai gaya arsitektural. Heidegger dan banyak fenomenolog lain telah mengkritik hal yang sama dalam beragam esai tentang teknologi. Namun, isu arsitektur tidak akan lantas selesai melalui pendekatan humanis saja. Vonnegut selalu kembali pada penyikapan rasional untuk menjawab hal itu. Mungkin ia akan berkata arsitektur akan tetap laku karena kebutuhan (yang semakin rumit), dan jika manusia tak hendak menolong dirinya sendiri dari pertikaian, kebutuhan itu tak akan pernah terpenuhi.

           Jika realisme magis dan surrealisme mengkaji arsitektur melalui proyeksi mental (hal yang bermain di kepala), Fiksi ilmiah mematerialisasi arsitektur sebagai produk praktis, -sebuah mesin dengan potensi bahaya yang nyata. Memang, gagasan arsitektur dalam fiksi ilmiah cenderung berbuntut pada mimpi buruk bagi para humanis. Apabila nilai satire itu memang erat dengan tulisan Vonnegut, maka posisinya terhadap nilai arsitektur dan hubungannya dengan spekulasi dan perenungan dalam fiksi ilmiah seakan mengisyaratkan:  "kalau bisa, (arsitektur) jangan sampai begini nasibnya"