Grown up

There exist several reason why I write stuff in english despite of my nasty grammar. 

1. It has different flavor. There are peculiar expression that cannot be delivered with bahasa, nor I am articulated enough to say it properly. 

2. Sense of safety. Less people read it (might be my beloved ex (if she still alive (if does, God bless her soul (if God does (1) exist, and (2) give blessings)))).

3. I’ve been successfully being cognitively colonialized.

There are no justifiable reason for writing this post in 2.13 of monday morning. Only reason I have because I don’t feel like growing up. Before this, occupied with survival instinct to avoid being killed by hunger, I did not think much. Concept of maturation began to bug me only lately.

I just moved in with a friend (yes, that guy) to a little-bit-bigger place than 3x3x3,5 m leaked dim room. It felt, as he said, an upgrade. A bigger space of possibility, to be filled with something purposeful. As we sorted out our books, choosing stuff that relevant to read and to donate, I thought that I need to recalculated my expenses without using my savings, while considering projects that I’m about to do for next few days, also list to do tomorrow. Then it hits me,

“Huh? Since when could I think more than two things without worries?”

Back then, I cannot even decide what to do first: Eat or shower. I need to contemplate with one cigar.

Tracing back into the past, I have to see first why life seems heavier back then. Money could be one excuse, but most defining burden would reside in thoughts. As cliché as it is, real difference lies in perspectives. Doesn't matter that one's doing job as janitor or executives, responsibility only meant to receive one's trust for some purpose. Prestigious type of responsibility itself, were valued differently by society, but doesn't change its nature as given trust. 

Turns out that workplace is no more severe than college. If college is a place to simulate a concept of responsibility, -that which, generate few smaller part of real responsibility (which its consequences are more berate in one’s own account), then the real world doesn’t seems to differ that much. For example, to be a functional part of a university, one must,- at very basic level, follows its class. Grade is the currency, which grading system is its economic value. One can choose imitated carrier via extracurricular activities, which may, -but most of the time, may not breathed significant impact in real carrier. One advantage of college is, -thanks to lesson in abstract thinking and hypothetical planning, that we are trained to be more responsive with discipline to make transition to real world less painful. And we have written credibility in form of degree. 

It is one atrocious labor to me since I’ve flunked college.

In next order after university, similar pattern emerging. Work, real currency and system, pays own bill, doing dishes, taking responsibility, giving responsibility, keeping a system beneficially alive and working well. Being a functional part in society. Once, it seems dreadful, but not exactly. More freedom attained as I did that functional role just right. Alas, most of the time I did not.

This topic of role reminds me one time when I was a confused teenager. I could not understand what monks and pilgrim does in such system. I can see sides, but not something in between, those people in trance. How do they fit in demanding surroundings? My failure in grasping that knowledge ended up in question mark. Only after 20’s I started to be able to interpret such position. They might to me, -intentionally or not, serves as dissects, a living critique, or even a martyrdom. They are people who stand outside, or even running naked in a square, to show that modern society is a concept that cannot be universally accepted. Intristically, they might have found joy in detaching themshelves from normality. 

That, I hold no judgment. As long that I got my answer about their positioning. 

Self-sufficiency, is one thing that differs me now and then. I began to be more adept in tuning down smaller problem, derailing train of thoughts, and to decide efficiently at the time. As I faced real problem, I understand which scenario works well, and which pattern proven as imbicile. It is a concrete blessing to think more clearly than I had before. 

But then again, I have no clear distinction of where I had or has begun to mature. To realize that questioning maturity few hours before working, is not a proper sign of maturity (consensually saying) at all. 

Maturation itself, in one book defined as, have passing through particular rites after adolescence. Both in primitives or modern society, the pattern stayed intact. Objectively, this can be seen from outside, hinted by celebration as social acknowledgment. If the presupposed statement posit true, there might be some rites that I haven’t been objectively completed. 

Yes, yes, I’ve flunked college. That might explain. Little fact: It’s actually getting funnier each time I joked about it, but less than handful of people laugh. People frowned upon that failure with disapproving face, as if I mocking on education, while I sincerely laugh at myself. Humoring about it simply became my coping mechanism for access into acceptance. Even though I love Frank Zappa and his indigenous statements, never for once I thought that higher education as unimportant. On the contrary, it has been most important experience in my life. The most successful insight that has been given to me by my campus is a curiosity and ability to read well. Also, sober revelation that I don’t want to spend my life designing buildings. 

That said, I've choose to miss that rites. We have seen that fest treat as signifier of maturation, but not its defining path. In fiction, which sublimely extrapolates life, coming-of-new-age genre used to cover this transition. Maturation always aliases with retrospective awareness. A defining moment that constructed in few sentences, that shorter it is, better blow it gives to unaware reader. Have I found that moment? 

Not even closer. 

In my 20’s I don’t claim to understand real world. Being matured have various aspect to be accounted for. They way you dress, managing money as possibility rather than objects, coping with negative emotions, passing time, having skill in proper responding to various occassion, even skill in tipping as branch of negotiation scheme. Mature symptoms that I attained more likely resulted from working habit. If those skills fixed someone as grown up, I think everyone is only a skillful teenager.